Breaking the Domestic Violence Cycle?

Domestic violence is like an epidemic. Once it has infiltrated a couple, it keeps repeating itself increasingly frequently, more and more violently. It is a social illness that needs to be prevented, contained and eliminated,” declares Terry Pomerantz

The Different Stages of the Domestic Violence Cycle

Here are the 4 stages domestic violence takes to infiltrate a couple and infect the entire family.

• Tension

The tension builds in the spouse. It first manifests itself by verbal violence that increasingly affects the victim’s levels of self-confidence. Fear sets in, progressively, even if the victim is under the illusion that they are capable of controlling the situation.

• Aggression

Suddenly, the aggressor snaps and moves from psychological aggression to physical or sexual aggression. The victim becomes traumatized, and she loses her bearings. She becomes filled with guilt, shame, submission and anger.

• Justification

The aggressor tries to justify himself to the victim. He asks for forgiveness, promises that the abuse and violence will stop.

The aggressor’s arguments make the victim begin to doubt herself. She now believes that she is at least partially responsible for her spouse’s angry behaviour.

• Reconciliation

The aggressor becomes charming and kind. Hope appears around the corner for the victim.

This is the step where the aggressor takes back control over his victim. The tension begins to build again. The aggressor will snap again, and ask his victim for forgiveness who, once more, will trust in his promises.

And the cycle begins again!

The Consequences of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence always has deeply significant consequences for the spouse and the couple’s children.

The spouse

• Emotional suffering (distress, lack of self-esteem, anxiety, panic attacks, shame, guilt)
• Confusion (the victim can no longer see the situation clearly)
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (nightmares, alcohol or drug consumption, forgetfulness, incapacity to talk about the situation)
• Health begins to deteriorate (insomnia, loss of energy, low immune response, chronic pain, digestive disorders, headaches)
• Physical injuries (bruises, broken bones, concussion)
• Changes in relationships with loved ones (isolation, interpersonal conflict)
• Changes in the relationship with the children
• Financial loss, poverty and social isolation (lawyer fees, moving fees, medical bills, incapacity to work).

On the couple’s children

Domestic violence directly affects the couple’s children, who suffer from:

• Physical and psychological insecurity
• Direct abuse (physical, psychological, sexual)
• Fear for themselves, their siblings and for the victim
• Health issues
• Behavioural problems at school and difficulty with schoolwork
• Lack of self-esteem doubled with lack of self-confidence

How to Break the Domestic Violence Cycle?

The victim of domestic violence has to prepare themselves so that they can break the cycle of domestic violence safely.

Remember that as soon as there is violent behaviour, you can call 9-1-1 for help and emergency services.

Here are the main elements that will allow the victim to break the domestic violence cycle:

1. Break the silence imposed by the aggressor, which is stopping the victim from having access to their loved ones’ support.
2. Have access to a social worker that specializes in domestic violence.
3. Document the situation (notes, diary) so that you are well prepared once the aggressor attempts to impose his own version of facts and events.
4. Keep all information that can be used as proof (texts, emails, letters, phone messages, pictures of injuries and material or property damages.
5. Establish a plan to face the risks related to a violent situation.
6. Protect yourself from cyber violence.
7. Know your rights.
8. Get comfortable with the idea of breaking up the relationship safely. Think of all of the resources you can use to plan your exit.
9. Find a safehouse. These places allow women and their children running away from domestic violence to transition safely.

• File a complaint. If you are a victim of domestic violence, you have the right to file a complaint with authorities.
• Ask the IVAC (Indemnisation des victimes d’actes criminels, which means “compensation for victims of a criminal offence”) for financial compensation to help you cover fees related to a hiatus from work, moving fees and meals, and psychosocial services, among other things.

Resources and Help for Domestic Violence Victims

• SOS violence conjugale 1-800-363-9010
• Rebâtir (free legal consultation for people who are victim of domestic and sexual violence 1-833-REBÂTIR (1-833-2847)
• Regroupement des maisons pour les femmes victimes de violence conjugale, where you will find access to all safehouses for women who are victims of domestic violence: 514-878-9134 extension 1601
• CAVAC (Network for Crime Victims Assistance Centres) : 1-866 LE CAVAC (1-866-532-2822)

The Pomerantz Foundation

The Pomerantz foundation is very sensitive to all forms of violence and abuse that befall more and more women and children.

This is why the Fondation Pomerantz supports the West Island Woman’s Centre and La Sortie, whose mission is to help and support women who have experienced sexual exploitation.